GREETINGS
FROM THE BORED
Listen Up you
Bastids:
So, here I am, as I am every year, under the gun to crank out
jocular jocularity to keep y’all ingrates amused. Mike is
screamin’ for copy, and he didn’t even give me a definite
date till a few days ago. Some things never change.
I hope this year finds you all well, or drunk, or well into
your midlife crisis. I
hope you have all settled into the phenomenon of time
acceleration, as another party is upon us, and I can’t
recollect or account for most of the time elapsed since the
last party. I am
even better at this now than when I was 19, apparently. If I
ever was nineteen.
It becomes increasingly difficult each year to write this, as
it seems we all have less time to keep in touch with recent
news, so I have nothing new to slam you with (perhaps this is
intentional). In fact, if any of you have died, I won’t find
out until this party. So if you have died since the last
party, let me be the first to say, “what a tragedy that
[Name Here] is no longer with us”. Even some of the jokes of
old have become hazy as to their origins, leaving us pondering
if they were even really funny, or were we just whacked?
It is always nice,
however, to sit back on ya’ ass and recollect of the simpler
times of our youth, when crackin’ jokes was a staple of
existence. Having said this, maybe the more things change, the
more they stay they same. That’s why ONCE AGAIN, I invite
you to board up your house, and come on out to the festivities
of the 17th Annual, 14th consecutive
SPED and GREAT CHOUFFE Party (for official theme music, click
here: (note: this is a large MPEG file ~3.5MB)
CHOUFFE
THEME MUSIC
Once again, it will be held at the SPED
Great Gnome Village, June 30,
2001, on a rare non-July SPED party. Of course, expect the
usual party stuff…. Beer, Volleyball, Horseshoes, BBQ, Beer,
Gnomes, Food, Carbo-headaches, Fun, (oops there goes another
Gnome) SPED Museum, Beer, and of course name calling.
Unfortunately, our charter was not renewed on time this
year, which has resulted in us losing our permit to use
fireworks (right), so dusk will come this year with no bright
lights, sadly. The
bright side (pun intended) is, at least we will not have to
brush ash off our cars, or blasting caps out of our hair.
Of course, our back-up plan will be employed, which is
sticking a sparkler up Bud’s ass and having him run around
the yard naked.
Speaking of the
Budmeister, he has once again arranged to
function as our benevolent corporate sponsor, Weyerbacher
Brewing, supplying us with many varieties of his latest
mycological creations. For this we owe him a world of thanks.
You can show your appreciation personally by offering
to rub salve on his ass after his pyrotechnics display.
And, let us not forget the pre- and
postpartum festivities.
The Friday night jam session has been officially
scrapped, as none of the musicians can even remember if the
tuning pegs should face down or up, or where to stick the free
end of the guitar cord (although this was never a problem for
Dave). Sunday
however, is now the realm of the leftover smorgasbord,
leftover music, leftover booze, and the Rocket launch. Let’s
hope the rockets don’t make a left over the house.
And this year folks, don’t piss off the Bored by not
getting off your butts to play volleyball, after we spend half
the morning putting up “That Damn Net”.
Isn’t that why you come to the party, to get loaded
and laugh at the losers on the other side of the net? This
year, we will truly find out, “Who is the Weakest Link?!”
Goodbye!
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WHAT:
17th Annual SPED
&
Great Chouffe Party
WHEN:
June 30, 2001
1:00 pm
WHERE:
SPED Great Gnome Village
WHY:
Beer
Volleyball
Vittles
Horseshoes
Magic Tidal Pools
Fireworks (we hope)
Hidden Treasure
Pixies
WHO:
You
HOW:
We don't care |
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REPEAL
OF 7 YEAR OLD SPED MANDATE
Law
Overturned on Mistaken Identity
ET Newswire: A 7-year-old Mandate unanimously passed by the
SPED Bored (with one notable abstention) has been recently
challenged and overturned. This law prohibited the
Bored’s own Diamond Dave from bringing dates to future SPED
parties. It seems that a Dr. Dave, under legal counsel from
the firm of Schmegma, Wegmer, and Bob, petitioned the Bored to
show cause against their client. The Bored, represented solely
by a Mr. Mike, (editor’s note: whose stupid idea it was in
the first place), seemed obviously and easily confused.
The petition proposed by Dr. Dave was that, in a bizarre case
of “mistaken identity theft”, he and the accused were in
fact not the same person. In fact, Mr. Mike, his former
friend, had once told him, “Diamond
Dave has been dead
since the 10th Annual SPED Party. It was his last hurrah.”
Dr. Dave maintains he has no recollection of the existence of
any Diamond Dave or his legendary reputation, and
(conveniently) purports his own reputation to be sterling,
with any coincidental resemblance to this character of
ill-repute being purely happenstance. The Bored (a.k.a.
Mr. Mike), obviously quite indifferent to the outcome of the
proceedings, was quoted “Who really gives a shit? I just
want it to go away.” And with that, all charges were
dropped. Dr. Dave has been reinstated with full privileges,
absolving him of prior annoyances, with full dating rights to
any future ex-wives he may want to bring, without threat of
double jeopardy, sources said.
KID'S CORNER
Please don’t leave the kids at home! First of all, it’s a
crime, not to mention downright un-sportsmanlike. More
importantly, it will save you from worrying feverishly if Bud
shows up to the party late. Please make sure they are bathed
and deloused, and are free from Fifth disease. Also, be
sure to give them plenty of milk to drink the morning of the
party, so the alcohol won’t hit them too quickly. And
bring their suits so they can swim in our Olympic sized
kids’ mini-pool, which is regularly checked for snakes.
Remember, real kiddie pool snakes don’t have legs or a body
attached to them.
ANOTHER IRVINGTON
CASUALTY
This year we applaud and celebrate the release from bondage
and oppression, none other than our own Terminator, Terry
Smith, for those of you who may
have seen him at a party. It seems Mr. Smith had not
heeded God’s (a.k.a. Dr. Dave) warnings, and has been burned
out of his domicile by the latest inhabitants (the
crack-heads) of New Jersey’s version of Sodom and Gomorrah.
He now joins the ranks of the homeless, but he hasn’t lost
that “find-him-in-a-dark-closet” smile. He is
looking great, however, as the blaze has left him a half shade
tanner.
THAT
DAMN BOAT, PART 2
Well,
it had to happen eventually... Pop has bought a new
boat. And you all know what that means...Boat Stories,
lots of boat stories.
To
help alleviate the inevitable (hearing the same story told
over and over again) we have decide to take the unprecedented
step of scheduling guided tours presented by Pop at noon, 2pm,
4pm, 6pm, and 8pm. We know the first presentation is
before the party even starts but that won't deter Pop.
So
come one, come all, see the NEW BOAT.
FISHER
FAMILY UPDATE
Through
the hard work of Bill Fulmer a Fisher Family (Lamarcas,
Lamarcos, Fishers, Fulmers, etc) CD-ROM full of family
pictures, audio, and stories spanning 100 years will be
available at the party.
Special
Note: There are some great old pictures of Mom and Pop,
so check it out.
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